In This Week’s News (That I didn’t make up!)



  • Nicki Minaj announces retirement on Beyonce’s birthday Sep 4th, after extended beef with stripper-turned-artist Cardi B.
    • She is starting her family with a Kenneth Petty, who is a registered sex offender, rapist, & murderer who pled guilty of first-degree manslaughter.
  • Gun-free San Fransisco declares the NRA as a Domestic Terrorist Group, ignores issues like homelessness and Bay Area Exodus.
  • Southern Poverty Law Center” (responsible for assigning the dreaded Hate Group labels) ousted for weaponizing Political Correctness, fires CEO Morris Dee in a scandalous cover-up attempt.
  • Presidential nominee Andrew Yang wants to restructure the US government to enforce veganism.
    • Climate plan includes moving people to higher ground because humanity is already doomed.
  • Cat 4 Hurricane Dorian swerves off Florida and hits the Bahamas, death toll 23, heads to Alabama.
    • Abaco islands now in ruins.
    • Royal Caribbean CEO delivers thousands of meals.
    • Florida man buys $50,000 worth of generators and donates them.
  • President Trump launches U.S. Space Command.
  • Antonio Brown gets guaranteed 30 million dollar NFL contract, then promptly gets cut by Oakland Raiders.
  • Presidential democrat nominees outline trillion-dollar Climate Change plans, unanimous on rejoining the Paris Accord.
    • Andrew Yang 5 Trillion USD.
    • Joe Biden 6.7 Trillion USD.
    • Bernie Sanders 16 Trillion USD.
    • Kamala Harris 10 Trillion USD.
    • Julian Castro 10 Trillion USD.
  • Ohio passes the April heartbeat bill into law that bans abortions under Senate Bill 23, does not make exceptions for rape or incest.
    • If an Ohio resident has an abortion in another state, she is charged with first-degree manslaughter.
    • If a 15-year-old gets raped by her brother and gets pregnant, she must give birth to the child.
    • US Supreme Court case Roe vs Wade finds abortion legal and overturned North Dakota law as unconstitutional in 2013.
  • Chick-Fil-A retains the status of best nationwide chicken sandwiches even after the genius marketing move done by Popeye’s marketing team, whose chicken actually tastes like burnt toenails.
    • Popeye deploys ad campaign for “fake war” that labels “non-believers” as homophobic and xenophobic.
    • Please do your research to see where Chik-Fil-A’s charity actually went and make up your own mind, do not read articles written by the likes of the radical far-left “Huffington Post”.
    • News articles convey how tired and overworked Popeyes employees are, fail to mention poor management at fault.
  • Friend contacts me after a decade, attempts to recruit me into a pyramid scheme that “isn’t actually a pyramid scheme”.
    • I asked him to ping me in another 10 years, then blocked him.
    • It’s OK to do this because there is a potential financial gain for him using unethical means.
    • Spread the word: People who abuse friendships are not friends.

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